At first, I understood that communication is the exchange and transmission of information. It was not until I read the book “Shared Experiences in Human Communication” that I could really understand the process of re-understanding communication from a very basic level.
reflection
The following is my reflection after reading this book：
The concept of communication encompasses the process by which all people influence each other.
How different communication methods will reflect different person relationships.
Non-verbal communication basically defines the interpersonal relationship between each other.
Although language can be used to communicate almost everything, nonverbal responses only have a relatively limited range of communication. Nonverbal responses are often used to communicate feelings, preferences and preferences, and to emphasize or refute to correct those feelings communicated with language. Non-verbal communication can superimpose another layer of meaning on top of verbal information.
When interpersonal communication forces participants to accept the pressure of interacting with the future, interpersonal communication is destructive, because it makes participants more vulnerable; when interpersonal communication only enhances the spread of information does not affect the value and attitude behind people When interpersonal communication is neutral; when interpersonal communication is regarded as curative, it means that it inspires an individual’s insight into or readjustment to the world, and it allows people to carry out future developments in a more satisfying way. Social interaction.
Intentional and unintentional communication. A lot of our daily communication is consciously motivated. For example, if we want to impress in front of a special person, we will change into carefully selected clothes when we go out. However, we have learned from the advertisements selling toothpaste and mouthwash. Although exquisite clothes can convey a good impression, bad breath and unclean teeth will still unintentionally reveal their less satisfactory side. . Unintentional communication is undoubtedly the most maddening communication method, because you will not receive corrective feedback from others. When we are well-dressed but still unable to date the person we like, we will feel very confused, but in fact this is not due to the clothes
Consensual type: You will feel the pressure to have the same value views as your family and maintain the family hierarchy. At the same time your ideas will be valued. The children of this kind of family either follow the rules or escape into their own fantasies. Generally, the parents of this kind of family are very traditional. They believe in “husband and wife”, “maintain loyalty”, mutual dependence and company, and they believe that their intramarital communication is easy-going and diligent management instead of frequent conflicts.
Pluralistic type: Ensure an open discussion atmosphere, and everyone can sit down and negotiate when making a decision. Generally, the parents who create this kind of family hold non-mainstream values. For example, intimate relationships cannot restrict personal freedom. This kind of parents not only accompany each other, but also have separate activity spaces and schedules (such as separate study rooms and bathrooms), and they don’t avoid conflicts, and they won’t avoid dealing with differences.
Protective: Obviously there will be an atmosphere of observing family rules and obeying parents, and it is unlikely that children are allowed to question their elders. Children who grow up in such a family are easily influenced or persuaded by authority. The three views of parents that shape this atmosphere are also very traditional. They value themselves more than intimate relationships, and they spend less time with each other and share, and believe that their intramarital communication is resolute, confident and persuasive, and they avoid marriage more. conflict.
Laissez-faire: There is not much communication between family members, and family cohesion is also lacking. Most family members are emotionally distant from their families. Children raised by such families are more likely to be influenced by outside social organizations. Parents who have shaped this family model cannot agree on marriage. They have different expectations of self-concepts, mutual dependence and inter-marital communication, so it is difficult to make the family cohesive.
From my first intervention （friend’s experience on blind dates）, I found that many boys’ thinking is still very traditional, and a large part of it is influenced by their parents. We can see that there are big different concept between young generation and old generation, and traditional concept is still spread among the boys. Men’s and women’s thinking are still different, so why don’t girls? Is it because of the feminism in recent years? and the society’s requirements for women’s status are getting higher and higher? so I might consider adding feminism to my intervention.
From the last week, I looked for some what other medium exist and looked at example from around the world that what are other people doing, what other organisations doing. I did some research on jewellery brand, beauty brand and some TV reality show related to arrange marriages.
I found that some jewellery brands have gone from the initial concept of “diamonds are forever, a diamond will last forever, and a lifetime of happiness” to the present “couples in love may get married, or they may choose not to get married.” This means that although feminism and celibacy are on the rise. The De Beers report pointed out that although Chinese women’s purchase of diamond products at their own expense is on the rise, diamonds are still the most luxurious gift that Chinese women want to receive. On the one hand, they are willing to pay for their own pockets, and on the other hand they do not reject the multiple psychology of receiving diamond jewelry gifts. As the divorce rate increases, the lonely single society is likely to generate more demands for true love.
From the current point of view, some successful cases of brands are still more focused on the problem itself. For example, the “Marriage Market” short film launched by Japanese high-end skin care brand SK-II last year showed a new generation of Chinese women’s views on marriage and love, such as “I don’t want to get married for marriage, that would not be happy”, and detonated social media. In the process of constantly testing the water temperature, the commercial market has been quite tolerant of the values of women’s empowerment, “this will encourage brands to be more brave.”
I am also watching some dating TV show related to arranged marriages, like TOO HOT TOO HANDLE, LOVE TO BLIND, DATING AROUND, and some chinese dating reality show .
NEXT STEP:
do more research on academic resources can relate to what I am doing, use theories to construct my intervention.
look at example from around the world that what are other people doing what are organisations doing charities, and what other mediums exist.
One of the most prevalent technologies used in psychotherapy intervention is Virtual Reality (VR) and Augmented Reality (AR). Both technologies are used as a tool to help guide psychotherapy treatments in patients who can benefit from interactive digital experiences. Below are two notable projects or organizations that are utilizing VR to enhance the patient’s traditional mode of psychotherapeutic experience.
MyPsySpace is a project by Missouri State University’s Second Life (SL) Prototyping Center for Psychotherapy Technologies that explores SL as a prototyping tool for HCI (Human-Computer Interaction) to offer “virtual translations of traditional expressive therapies (e.g. virtual sandplay, virtual drama therapy, digital expressive therapy, and virtual safe spaces).” The VR element is used to increase accessibility and flexibility to those who may not have the practical means to receive proper expressive therapies. MyPsySpace is designed to securely connect the therapist to a group or an individual patients located anywhere in the world. Moreover, one can virtually create any type of imaginable scenarios, images, or enact behaviors safely in the virtual space.
All therapists recognize the power of storytelling. In essence, our clients come to tell their stories and we need to know their full story in and out including characters, background, plots (and subplots), point of view, etc. With children, their personal stories often come out in fantastical and metaphoric ways and an expressive therapist has the skills to bring those out and enact change, if needed. Below are multimedia apps that can provide engagement as well as therapeutic, communicative, and expressive opportunities for a child client:
Plotagon: This is a creative animation app that is very easy to use. I have a 8-year-old who learned how to make a full 5 minute story in 10 minutes.
Puppet Pals 2: This is a essentially digital puppetry and you can even use your own picture to create a character.
Comic Book: This is a bit challenging to use for those who are not comic book creators. But, if you have a kid who likes to create comic books, this app has many layout options, caption tools, and stickers in its library.
Storehouse: Helps you easily create, edit and share visual stories. Perfect for teenagers who want to use their own digital photos without much text to tell a story that is meaningful to them.
These apps help create a multimedia story rich with complementary combination of text, still image, audio, and/or video that can be interactive and edited at any time. I encourage art therapists to try experiencing these apps for themselves to see if they can be a valuable tool in empowering the developing stories of our children and teenagers.
based on the last feedback, I continue to develop my interactive video, and I collected some real example in the real life, because real people and real example are more convincing.
here is three example:
example 1:
name: yuhui huang age: 28 fashion designer she was forced by her parents to go on a blind date about five times, but she has not met a suitable person so far, and her parents said that she must marry this year, because they think 28 years old is old for women and the fortune teller said this year is her wedding year, and she is very troubled and does not know how to communicate with her parents. she think that It is impossible to meet the right person in this year, so she decided to move out instead living with her parents.
example 2:
name: waner chen age: 26 insurance She has a boyfriend, but her parents are dissatisfied with her boyfriend, because the fortune teller said that her boyfriend has many female friends, and he is likely to cheat after getting married, so her parents want her daughter to break up with her boyfriend . She is very entangled now. On the one hand, she likes her boyfriend, on the other hand, she doesn’t want to go against her parents’ meaning, and she is also a little superstitious in fortune telling.
example 3:
name: dasen age: 29 medicine He has a girlfriend, but his parents are not satisfied with his girlfriend because the fortune teller said that his girlfriend will bring bad luck to his family, but he insists on marrying his girlfriend. As a result, less than a month after the marriage, his father was diagnosed with leukemia and passed away two weeks later (his father was healthy and showed no signs of illness), and his father’s company also closed down.
and I also did some research on psychology, and I found that one therapy is drama therapy. Drama therapy takes a unique approach by using drama or theater techniques, including improvisation, role-playing and so on… Drama therapy combines drama and psychotherapy methods to offer new ways to express what you are thinking or feeling in order to cope more effectively with behavioral and emotional problems
It is intended to help participants explore their inner experience and break them out of any rigid roles or frameworks they have been limiting themselves to. They can express themselves while sharing a new side to their personality
drama therapy can also benefit participants by providing them with the opportunity to:
Express their feelings Tell their story Act out/work out issues and problems Achieve emotional and physical integration Experience catharsis Develop trust Work out relationship issues Strengthen or expand their personal life roles
Role-Playing
Role-playing allows the participant to alter their mindset, act out in new ways, and connect their own experiences to those of another person.
Here’s an example: if you’re having significant conflict with your parents, you may be asked to role-play a scene in which you pretend to be your parents and speak from their perspective.
I think it can help people explore their inner experience and break them out of any rigid roles or frameworks they have been limiting themselves to.
I think drama therapy can help young generation to communicate with their parents better, and learn to look at problems from the other side’s perspective.
NEXT STEP:
I will show these real example to people and get some feedback from them, What they think of these example?
I will combine these example with drama therapy. How to apply these real example to drama therapy? What techniques in drama therapy?
The process of discovering ‘The Change I Want to See’ took a personal shift in Project Five, from dating corner to generation gap.
After did some research on generational conflict and techniques that mediator use, I think the best conflict solution is the way of communication. Adjusting their communication style is a method to reduce conflict. I think they need a mediator, someone they respect, maybe a close family, friend or relative or online platform. Come from a place of wanting to be understand each other better rather than proving that parent wrong.
The medium of communication is very important. There are two mediums that I think are feasible.
Matchmaker (face to face support interventions for reducing conflict) set up a counseling in the dating app or dating website.
online platform (digital interventions targeting parents and child relationships) watching the interactive movie with parents.
The goal of conflict resolution therapy is to help all parties involved feel as if they have achieved a “win-win” scenario, but it is difficult to do, because parents and children have cognitive biases, my challenge is to challenge traditional attitude, the position of this project is to help the person being in a position to get married, make the right decision and to not be forced into making the wrong decision. And I found that there are not many platform to deal with the generation conflict, most of the platform focus on couple relationship, so it is also very difficult to make study case.
In order to guide the focus of my research further, the following three aspect that I think I should consider in this project in the future.
understand what is the need behind the conflict between the two sides.(No one wants to conflict for the sake of conflict. The reason why the conflict cannot be resolved is probably because some of the needs of the conflicting party have been ignored, such as respect, love, and attention. If you want to stay entangled in conflicting content, these content may be longer than any Qiong Yao novel, and you may never find its central idea.)
Ensure a platform where both parties to the conflict are safe and can receive support.(Let both parties relax, feel comfortable, and get help from the process. Don’t let the process of conflict resolution turn into a trial meeting. No one is willing to spend a minute at a meeting that criticizes oneself.)
Let the conflicting parties use specific and executable language to express their needs and requests to the other party (You can’t make everyone think that “the women is the most beautiful” because everyone’s perceptions and standards are different, so if you say, “Bring me something good!”, someone might give you a cup of urine, because some people think that this is delicious! If you don’t want others to bring you a glass of urine, try to be specific. “Give me a glass of orange juice.”, “I think you can go home straight after get off work.”…
In relation to stakeholders, I initially identified 3 key stakeholder groups, the first being experts(dating agent) and the second being users(parents), the third being users(young generations). As my project has progressed, I have moved onto defining further to be government. Gaining stakeholder feedback is something I have struggled with on this project, I interviewed with the person who forced to blind date by her parents, and also interviewed with matchmaker who work in the dating corner, but received very little feedback. Consequently, stakeholder engagement is something I really need to extensively work on over the coming weeks.
The marriage rate in 2020 indicates a changing attitude toward matrimony among young Chinese.
China has recorded its lowest marriage rate in nearly two decades at a time when the country is already witnessing historically low birth rates.
Only some 8.1 million couples registered for marriages in 2020, a 12% drop from the previous year, according to figures released last month from China’s Ministry of Civil Affairs that caught online public attention Thursday. The marriage registration last year was the lowest since 2003 and only accounted for 60% of those in 2013, when such registrations saw a peak.
The declining marriage rate suggests changing attitudes toward matrimony among young Chinese who are increasingly favoring a no-strings-attached, independent lifestyle. According to a March survey by recruiting platform Zhaopin.com, marriage was “not a compulsory choice” for 64% of the female respondents, who added they didn’t plan to get hitched any time soon.
However, government-led research in Shanghai last year showed that men had a stronger desire to get married than women.
Apart from the drop in marriages last year, the number of birth rates also saw a 15% decline compared with the previous year, fizzling authorities’ hopes of a post-pandemic baby boom. However, only 3.7 million couples were granted divorces last year, almost 1 million fewer than in 2019.
To deter couples from separating, China enacted a controversial 30-day “cool-off period” this year, meaning couples will not be granted a divorce if one of them changes their mind during this period. Since the law went into effect on Jan. 1, there has been a 60% drop in divorces in the central city of Wuhan.
Meanwhile, local authorities have been doing their part to manage the crisis. A top official of the youth arm of the Communist Party of China said in 2017 that he wanted to step in to solve declining marriages among young people, while the arm’s branch in the eastern Zhejiang province introduced a “Marriage and Dating Division” and an online dating site to help young singles find prospective life partners.
Research on Understanding and Managing Generational Conflict
Research Question 1: What is the nature of generational conflict?
High tech vs. low tech.
Technology is “the one big gap” between generations, and in fact, this generational difference was reported by nearly every participant. Younger interviewees noted frustration (and decreased communication and efficiency) because they perceived older individuals as reluctant to embrace or leverage technology such as texting. Some older interviews, on the other hand, noted that younger generations seemingly undervalue traditional ways of doing work because they take technology for granted.
Skilled vs. unskilled communication.
The final perceived generational difference that leads to behavior-based tension centers on differing perceptions by both generations about the extent to which they and members of the other generation communicate in a skilled way. Older interviewees perceived a lack of skills in younger generations, often reporting frustration with younger generations’ inability to communicate. Older interviewees suggested that problematic communication skills in the younger generation included an inability to transmit or interpret messages effectively and a lack of tact in interactions. In the older sample’s view, this “unskilled” communication results in workplace challenges such as inefficiencies, conflict, unclear messages, and a lack of transmission of information. Some of the older sample members attributed these challenges to how younger generations learned to communicate, as noted in the quote below. The communication skills of some of the younger people that I meet on a weekly basis are absolutely nil. There are absolutely no communication skills because they learn how to communicate via Twitter and talk in abbreviated words and abbreviated sentences. So if I had to communicate for any length of time with someone in their 20s, I probably couldn’t. On the other hand, “skilled” communication meant something altogether different to members of the younger sample. They viewed the skilled vs. unskilled generational differences as arising from the older generation’s failure to adapt to contemporary media. Tension is illustrated through a breakdown in communication causing frustration and major challenges in interactions, so much so that the message of communication is lost or misunderstood. Potential communication barriers between generations can result from this tension, as can be seen in the quote above in which, the interviewee perceives he is unable to communicate with “younger people.”
Me vs. we.
The first identity-based generational difference, me vs. we, refers to differences in how members of generations perceived they (and other generations) gave priority to personal identity or a collective identity. In the personality literature, Triandis and colleagues (1985) have described differences between idiocentric and allocentric personality traits. Idiocentrics emphasize personal goals, views, needs, pleasures and beliefs over those of others, while allocentrics emphasize shared beliefs and perceive themselves as similar to, and pay attention to, others (Triandis, et al., 1985). The samples we studied described generations in similar ways. An example of a more allocentric or “we” view is illustrated in this quote.
I think that the older generation gets it more than the younger generation…the new generation is all about “me” and how I’m going to be successful and the old generation is how we’re all going to be successful.
This younger interviewee points out a distinction in generations in the extent to which “me” or “we” is prioritized, describing the “new” generation more idiocentrically as “all about me” and the “old” generation more allocentrically as focusing on shared success.
Research Question 2: What strategies use to manage generational conflict?
Focusing on communication style.
The strategy of focusing on communication style includes a conscious choice by interviewees to portray a respectful demeanor when communicating, use communication channels preferred by other generations (e.g., face-to-face, phone, or email), or, as noted below, focus on language usage.
My attitude with the younger generation—fortunately, I know the vernacular because I have children and I do interact with them well and I have grandchildren and I do interact with them well. So I know the current stars. You can relate. Sometimes if you just throw out a ‘Did you see so-and-so on MTV’ whatever, you take away that gap.
The older interviewee here describes using the language she picked up from her younger family members when interacting with younger coworkers. In much the same way that using organizational vernacular allows an outsider to fit in a culture (Louis, 1980), using generational vernacular allows a member of one generation to ease conflict with a member of another generation. Several interviewees also reported adjusting the medium through which they communicated with members of another generation. For example, younger interviewees made a point to use phone (rather than texting) to communicate with older generation employees at work. By adjusting their communication style, these younger generation members helped overcome the behavior-based conflict arising from perceptions of communication skill.
Protecting needs.
Interviewees noted that they interacted with other generations in such a way that they ensured their own desires and wants were being met. In the example below, an interviewee from a younger generation reports trying to get his way with other generations in advancing an initiative that he feels is important.
One of the things I try to focus on when I’m implementing something like that is: ‘How am I freeing their time to do what I want them (an older generation) to do or to take a look at what I want them to take a look at? Sometimes, that’s the hardest part.
From this quote, we can see the interviewee protecting his self-interests by ensuring that the older person is does “what I want them to do” or notices the initiative that he feels is important. In this case, the interviewee actively manipulates the older generation member’s time in order to get his way, thereby lessening the chance of conflict. In our interviews, participants also noted that they protected their needs by “using” others in such ways as building support for ideas by using workplace politics, leveraging their formal authority in interactions to push their personal agenda, and venting or complaining about conflict to others.
Removing self.
Research Question 3:Influences on Interactions
Situational contexts help set generational stereotypes and expectations that individuals have for their own generation and other generations; these stereotypes and expectations, in turn, influence their perceptions. Interviewees draw on these contexts as they engage in conflict with others of various generations in the workforce. Following table provides additional descriptions of the contexts, as well as quotes to illustrate them.
Societal context
Many interviewees noted that they were influenced by broad societal trends, such as the media and general political, economic, and societal events. Interviewees (including the one quoted in the epigraph) noted being influenced by broad discourses in popular media. The way that generations are discussed in popular culture served as a resource to some interviewees in forming their own understanding of generations. As the quote below illustrates, individuals draw on media descriptions and portrayals of other generations to set expectations for what members of that particular generation are like, thereby influencing the conflicts that emerge.
I think the labeling of generation is media driven so that it gives the media a shorthand to report on various and sundry societal kinds of trends and also news stories and things like that. I think the media is the one who came up with the (generational) labels that are used, or at least they popularized the labels that are being used.
According to this interviewee and others, older generations have a stigma against younger generations (and vice versa) as a result of how various generations are portrayed and labeled by the media. Younger interviewees reported being affected by media portrayals of young people as opportunistic, materialistic, and self-centered, while older interviewees noted being affected by media-perpetuated images of old fogies who are stubborn and resistant to change. Both samples mentioned that these media images likely affected how the other generation viewed them and the lack of respect shown them by other generations.
Conflict Resolution Skills Managing and Resolving Conflict in a Positive Way Conflict is a normal, and even healthy, part of relationships. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything at all times. Since relationship conflicts are inevitable, learning to deal with them in a healthy way is crucial. When conflict is mismanaged, it can harm the relationship. But when handled in a respectful and positive way, conflict provides an opportunity for growth, ultimately strengthening the bond between two people. By learning the skills you need for successful conflict resolution, you can keep your personal and professional relationships strong and growing. The fundamentals of conflict resolution Conflict arises from differences. It occurs whenever people disagree over their values, motivations, perceptions, ideas, or desires. Sometimes these differences look trivial, but when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal and relational need is at the core of the problem—a need to feel safe and secure, a need to feel respected and valued, or a need for greater closeness and intimacy. Recognizing and resolving conflicting needs. If you are out of touch with your feelings or so stressed that you can only pay attention to a limited number of emotions, you won’t be able to understand your own needs. If you don’t understand your deepseated needs, you will have a hard time communicating with others and staying in touch with what is really troubling you. For example, couples often argue about petty differences—the way she hangs the towels, the way he parts his hair—rather than what is really bothering them. In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and breakups. In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter disputes. When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, and improved relationships. When you resolve conflict and disagreement quickly and painlessly, mutual trust will flourish. Successful conflict resolution depends on your ability to: · Manage stress while remaining alert and calm. By staying calm, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication. · Control your emotions and behavior. When you’re in control of your emotions, you can communicate your needs without threatening, frightening, or punishing others. · Pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of others. · Be aware of and respectful of differences. By avoiding disrespectful words and actions, you can resolve the problem faster. Healthy and unhealthy ways of managing and resolving conflict Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and breakups. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases our understanding of one another, builds trust, and strengthens our relationship bonds. Unhealthy responses to conflict are characterized by: · An inability to recognize and respond to matters of great importance to the other person · Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions · The withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of abandonment · The expectation of bad outcomes · The fear and avoidance of conflict Healthy responses to conflict are characterized by: · The capacity to recognize and respond to important matters · A readiness to forgive and forget · The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing · A belief that resolution can support the interests and needs of both parties Four key conflict resolution skills The ability to successfully manage and resolve conflict depends on four key skills. Together, these four skills form a fifth skill that is greater than the sum of its parts: the ability to take conflict in stride and resolve differences in ways that build trust and confidence. Conflict resolution skill 1: Quickly relieve stress The capacity to remain relaxed and focused in tense situations is a vital aspect of conflict resolution. If you don’t know how to stay centered and in control of yourself, you may become emotionally overwhelmed in challenging situations. The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you. Conflict resolution skill 2: Recognize and manage your emotions. Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others. If you don’t know how you feel or why you feel that way, you won’t be able to communicate effectively or smooth over disagreements. Although knowing your own feelings may seem simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. But your ability to handle conflict depends on being connected to these feelings. If you’re afraid of strong emotions or if you insist on finding solutions that are strictly rational, your ability to face and resolve differences will be impaired. Conflict resolution skill 3: Improve your nonverbal communication skills The most important information exchanged during conflicts and arguments is often communicated nonverbally. Nonverbal communication includes eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, posture, touch, and gestures. When you’re in the middle of a conflict, paying close attention to the other person’s nonverbal signals may help you figure out what the other person is really saying, respond in a way that builds trust, and get to the root of the problem. Simply nonverbal signals such as a calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or a concerned facial expression can go a long way toward defusing a heated exchange. Conflict resolution skill 4: Use humor and play to deal with challenges You can avoid many confrontations and resolve arguments and disagreements by communicating in a playful or humorous way. Humor can help you say things that might otherwise be difficult to express without creating a flap. However, it’s important that you laugh with the other person, not at them. When humor and play are used to reduce tension and anger, reframe problems, and put the situation into perspective, the conflict can actually become an opportunity for greater connection and intimacy. Tips for managing and resolving conflict Managing and resolving conflict requires emotional maturity, selfcontrol, and empathy. It can be tricky, frustrating, and even frightening. You can ensure that the process is as positive as possible by sticking to the following conflict resolution guidelines: · Make the relationship your priority. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint. · Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to old hurts and resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the hereandnow to solve the problem. · Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. Maybe you don’t want to surrender a parking space if you’ve been circling for 15 minutes. But if there are dozens of spots, arguing over a single space isn’t worth it. · Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives. · Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on. Fair fighting: Ground rules Remain calm. Try not to overreact to difficult situations. By remaining calm it will be more likely that others will consider your viewpoint. Express feelings in words, not actions. Telling someone directly and honestly how you feel can be a very powerful form of communication. If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose control, take a “time out” and do something to help yourself feel steadier. Be specific about what is bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to work on. Deal with only one issue at a time. Don’t introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. This avoids the “kitchen sink” effect where people throw in all their complaints while not allowing anything to be resolved. No “hitting below the belt.” Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability. Avoid accusations. Accusations will cause others to defend themselves. Instead, talk about how someone’s actions made you feel Don’t generalize. Avoid words like “never” or “always.” Such generalizations are usually inaccurate and will heighten tensions. Avoid “make believe.” Exaggerating or inventing a complaint or your feelings about it will prevent the real issues from surfacing. Stick with the facts and your honest feelings. Don’t stockpile. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over time is counterproductive. It’s almost impossible to deal with numerous old problems for which interpretations may differ. Try to deal with problems as they arise. Avoid clamming up. When one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other, frustration and anger can result. Positive results can only be attained with twoway communication. Source: The Counseling & Mental Health Center at The University of Texas at Austin Managing and resolving conflict by learning how to listen When people are upset, the words they use rarely convey the issues and needs at the heart of the problem. When we listen for what is felt as well as said, we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening in this way also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us. Tips for being a better listener: · Listen to the reasons the other person gives for being upset. · Make sure you understand what the other person is telling you—from his or her point of view. · Repeat the other person’s words, and ask if you have understood correctly. · Ask if anything remains unspoken, giving the person time to think before answering. · Resist the temptation to interject your own point of view until the other person has said everything he or she wants to say and feels that you have listened to and understood his or her message. When listening to the other person’s point of view, the following responses are often helpful: Encourage the other person to share his or her issues as fully as possible. · “I want to understand what has upset you.” · “I want to know what you are really hoping for.” Clarify the real issues, rather than making assumptions. Ask questions that allow you to gain this information, and which let the other person know you are trying to understand. · “Can you say more about that?” · “Is that the way it usually happens?” Restate what you have heard, so you are both able to see what has been understood so far it may be that the other person will then realize that additional information is needed. · “It sounds like you weren’t expecting that to happen.” Reflect feelings be as clear as possible. · “I can imagine how upsetting that must have been.” Validate the concerns of the other person, even if a solution is elusive at this time. Expressing appreciation can be a very powerful message if it is conveyed with integrity and respect. · “I really appreciate that we are talking about this issue.” · “I am glad we are trying to figure this out.” Source: University of Wisconsin, Madison Conflict resolution is one of the five key skills of emotional intelligence The Five Skills of Emotional Intelligence Skill 1: Quick Stress Relief Skill 2: Emotional Awareness Skill 3: Nonverbal Communication Skill 4: Playful Communication Skill 5: Conflict Resolution The ability to resolve conflicts positively and with confidence is the fifth of five essential emotional intelligence skills. Together, the five skills of emotional intelligence help you build strong relationships, overcome challenges, and succeed at work and in life.
Related links for conflict resolution skills General information about conflict resolution Fighting Fair To Resolve Conflict – Covers the causes of conflict, different conflict styles, and fair fighting guidelines to help you positively resolve disagreements. (University of Texas at Austin) Conflict Resolution – Comprehensive resource on how to manage and resolve conflict. Includes About Conflict and 8 Steps for Conflict Resolution. (University of Wisconsin, Madison) CR Kit – 12step conflict resolution training kit. Learn how to pursue a winwin approach, manage emotions, be appropriately assertive, map the conflict, and develop options. (The Conflict Resolution Network) Conflict Resolution: Resolving Conflict Rationally and Effectively – Guide to conflict in the workplace and different conflict styles. Includes a 5step process for successful conflict resolution. (MindTools) Tips for managing and resolving conflict Resolving Conflict Constructively and Respectfully – Tips on how to manage and resolve conflict in a positive, respectful, and mutuallybeneficial way. (Ohio State University Extension) How to Resolve Conflict – Advice on resolving differences and managing conflict between individuals, small groups, and organizations. (Roger Darlington) Effective Communication – Article on the art of listening in conflict resolution. Includes tips on how to make your point effectively and negotiate conflict in principled, positive way. (University of Maryland) Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D., contributed to this article. Last modified: September 2009.
